Hold My Heart

From my private journal, Wednesday, November 04, 2009:

I went home to vote last night.  After I got back home, I looked around, heard the finches twitter, and thought out loud, "This is so peaceful, so perfect."  My life is so perfect, wonderful, full of blessings.  I should have known that the words would barely escape my lips before they came back to haunt me.

I remember being in the shower crying out to You one day a few months ago.  I cried out for more of You; I wanted to know You, but my sin was separating me from You.  I felt so spiritually lazy, and I wanted to be intimate with You.  I knew that putting me through the fire would draw me to You, so I prayed for that.  I prayed that you would send trials so that I could know You more, but I specifically said not at the price of a life.

Well, Mom and Dad sat us down last night just after I was marveling at the blessings You've given me (and those blessings still stand).  Pastor and Julie walked in, and I thought it kind of weird. However, normally I pick up on things, but not this time.  This time I was still prancing around in my illusion until the words came and brought the heavy knowledge that would crush me.  Mom told us that she has breast cancer, and that it's advanced too far for the doctors to do anything to help her.  She said that treatment at this point would be solely to give her more time (as in months). 

In that moment, I felt crushed, but I also felt You lift me up.  It's hard to describe, but in the midst of my shock, I felt You as the firm foundation under me, always there with me, keeping me. . .and my mom.  I drove home after that and cried the entire way, long heartfelt sobs.  I sang to you sometimes between sobs.  I prayed out loud and cried out.  Such a shock, such a horrible, terrible shock.

I know You have a perfect plan, and there's nothing to fear.  I'm still afraid, Lord!  I've never felt such strong emotion in my life.  This must have been the worst day of my life today.  I woke up early in the morning unable to sleep, full of grief.  Then I cried every moment I was alone, and sometimes when I wasn't.  I cried straight through the shower, my morning commute, my hours of work time.  It's hard to think about this, Lord.  It's hard to think that she may never meet my husband or make my wedding dress or see me become a doctor.  It's hard to consider that she may never see her grandchildren, that she may die before she sees 50. . .

You have a perfect plan though, and beautiful things are already coming from this.  John 12:24  "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

She doesn't have to die for all this freedom to come to people's lives.  You can use this situation alone.  I put her in Your hands, Lord.  I put my best friend in Your hands.  I put my guide in Your hands.  I put my strength in Your hands.

Jesus, I know You're with me.  Please show me, though.  Send Your peace to cover me.  Not denial, but true peace.

Send Your word forth claiming her future healing and extension of days on this earth.  We will cling to it, Lord.  We won't let go of Your promise.

But You haven't given us such a promise yet.  So for now, we only cling to the promise that You are with us, and we're so thankful that it's true.

From Saturday, December 10, 2011:

He later did give us a promise.  He promised that He would raise her up.  She's 50 now.  She joyfully babysits her grandson and is looking forward to the next one on the way (a girl).  They gave her six months to live, and she is here with us, healthy and blessing everyone she meets. The doctors are confounded and unable to make sense of it. The MRI of the breast shows no cancer now, the MRI of her brain shows "a significant reduction," meaning that the innumerable spots are gone and the two measurable spots are now very, very tiny. The bone scan shows the impossible as well - no signs of any metastases other than proof that there had been several broken bones. The doctors are unwilling to declare a miracle, but we know our God is faithful.

I don't understand why God chose us to bless, but He did. Prayer works, and our God is real and active in our lives! He loves us so much, and He'll always be there for us, no matter what we end up having to go through.

It Will All Pass

"Of this life of comfort, of materialism, of lies. . .it'll be destroyed.  These things in which we so confidently put our faith and trust, will go away.  We think money is the key to happiness and all we want is more, more, more.  When we get these things it's happiness for a moment, but then it's gone, and we're on to a brand new pursuit.

Our society has come to a point where sex is completely normal and expected between any people dating and even casually accepted among friends and persons of the same sex.  These powerful lies and spirits of immorality have entangled us.  We are deceived.  Primary schoolers are having sex. Children are exposed to vile things from a young age. Mommies and daddies don't love each other. Some unwanted children are being abandoned while others are killed before they're even born.

The pull is so great.  It rips at my heart and makes me feel cold inside.

I need your hope.  I need your future.  I need your understanding.  I need your love.  I need you.

I'm thankful that I don't belong here, that I don't have to call this place my home.  When we look up, all we see are our towers of complacency that we have so skillfully built.  We see birds that we think evolved into existence.  We see clouds that will one day bring a storm.

How soon, Lord?  How soon?  I’m certainly not ready.

I'm not ready because I, too, am deceived.  I feel as if I'm living in a spiritual stupor, constantly drugged with the pipelines clogged.  It's like a weight on my shoulders, a suffocating pillow in my face. . .and I grab that pillow and lay down and go to sleep.

I sleep and I forget.  I forget all the things all you've called me to.  I'm watching these people walk by. . .these lost people.  They echo only the words of their unfit heroes and wear only the clothes presented to them by the material industry.  They curse and make perverse jokes and use Your name in vain, and they don't even know what they're doing.

They're completely clueless.  No one's ever told them.  No one's ever showed them how much you love them.  I feel I must, but I don't.  I don't know how.  I just make such excuses and never do the things to which you've called me.  I'm walking through a spiritual world of peanut butter with that damn pillow in my face.

We eat things that kill us.  We do things that kill us.  Sometimes we purposely kill ourselves with a gun or a rope or a bridge or some other creative devil.  That breaks Your heart.  I know it does.  It breaks mine too.  I just need You.  I guess I'm asking too much.  I'm asking you to shove me out into the playing field, because I feel unprepared to go.  I'm afraid and I'm shy.  I'm a wimp, and I disobey.

If only I were sure of what You wanted me to do, I would do it fervently.  If I heard Your voice, I would follow.  If only I could hear You speak, I would do whatever you ask.

I say that, but is it true?  I feel kind of like Kierkegaard.  I gave up my love and underwent heartache, for what?  I don't know.  I don't know what for.  I thought you wanted me to, but now I'm a writhing lonely mess that's been waiting to hear from You for a long time.  I know I make up stuff that I think You've said in my head, and it's frustrating. . .because I never know.  I used to have a discerning spirit.  What happened to that?  I listen for your voice.  I listen sometimes and focus and everything.

But I hear silence.  And I can't help but think that you're speaking and I'm not listening, with the whispers of your voice drowned out by the screaming lies of the world and the deceit of my own flesh and mind.

I need a new mind.  I need lots of things.  I'm such an unworthy person to be called Your child.  I read about these men (and women) in the Bible who would implore You and say "I have done right in the eyes of the Lord."  I've never been able to say that, and I'm always laden with guilt.  Whenever I seek to clear that guilt by going to someone and confessing my wrong, I feel even worse. . .I even feel as if I never should have told them.  I don't feel relief but regret that I confessed.  Why is that?  Am I more willing to sin against you and continue sinning and be cut off from you than to undergo the earthly consequences for my wrongdoing?  I need a contrite heart.  I need to let my brain shut up so I can hear You.  You've blessed me with so much, and what have I done?  I've sat here on my bum mumbling little clues or hints to folks hoping they'll pick up on it and suddenly decide that they need You.

It's tough when people think they don't need You.  It really is."

From June 18, 2009, but it pretty much describes how I feel right now.

That Tricky Conundrum

I find myself facing this tricky conundrum.  I'm a Christian, and I live in this world.  Not only do I live on Earth, I live in America (well, at least I DID - I'm FROM America), which has been called by many a "Christian" nation.  (No, it hasn't gotten tricky, yet). 


So, the tricky part is, how much of this world is mine?  


What I mean is, how far do I go to make this world live by biblically moral and upright standards?  


We know the world is sinful and full of sinners (including myself).  Some of us have been saved from this sin and its consequences, but most of us have not.  Therefore, there's this struggle of the people who have been saved wanting others to see the truth.


The problem is, they can't.  They're blinded by the god of this world.  So what do we do?


Do we shove our truth in their faces? Hold political rallies telling them they're wrong? Act like the most disrespectful, cantankerous, nasty people in order to forward our own beliefs and agendas?


Well, some people seem to think so.


It just so happens that I don't.


You see, we have this terrible problem of spoiled, whiny, terribly mistaken Christians in America for a few reasons:


1) They don't know Jesus.  No, I don't mean know ABOUT Him or who He is.  I mean KNOW Him.  As in, they seek Him every day, know His voice, submit to His will no matter what, and have a relationship where the communication goes two ways.


2) They've been raised in a society that thinks that you can be a Christian without knowing Jesus.


3) I'm just listing this here in case there are other main reasons, but I think that they all fall under the first two.


So . . . along with a growing, thriving relationship with Jesus comes an understanding about people, about others, about life and how to live it.  Therefore, as we grow, we should realize who surrounds us . .  .


. . . sinners.


And what do sinners do?


They sin.


Should we be surprised?


No.  


Should we blame them?


No.


So why are we?  Why are we condemning people right and left for doing things deemed "immoral" (and actually are in reality, but like I said, most of the world can't see that, so to them, it's just "our" morality)?  Jesus never did that.  I don't want to join in with the millions of voices of "DON'T JUDGE" and sound like a broken record.  I'm not pushing religious or moral relativity or "tolerance."  I'm saying that we shouldn't be surprised when sinners sin, and we shouldn't hold them accountable to what they have no control over (Rom. 8:7)


As a side note, don't feel ashamed to speak the truth in love.  There is actually condemnation to those who are sinning (Rom. 8:1) and they perceive us as the source of that, but we're not.  We're speaking the Word of God and they project their guilt on us.  Anyway. . .that's a whole other post. . .


So here's where it gets really tricky:


"Christians" (some of them may be legit) are super-frustrated in America.  They're angry that gay marriage is being legalized, that Christianity is undermined in the media, that people cuss on TV and sing about sex on the radio.  They count cuss words in movies and spread aspersions about the people they feel are a threat to their "Christian society."


Christian society?  Really?  You really think that's what we're called to?


Which brings me back to my question.  Do we have a right to be upset?  I mean, we're in this world, right?  So how much of it is ours?  How much can we expect it to bend to our will, our way of life, our truth?


"Defend our rights as Christians!"  What rights?  You gave those up a long time ago when you decided to follow Jesus.  Now you're going to be persecuted, ridiculed, insulted, and if you really gave your life up, you're not going to take offense to any of it.  So why are we fighting for these rights that aren't ours to possess and getting offended that people don't see things the way we do?  I mean, seriously?  Seriously.  We're here to be servants who embody love, not crusaders to impose the truth on those who can't see it.


So that is my conundrum.  Should we really hold rallies against gay marriage and other things contrary to the Bible?  We should pray.  We should definitely pray.  We should definitely reach out to people and speak the truth in love as the Spirit leads us.  However, I do feel that a lot of this political activism has been driven by a fleshly desire to be "right," and to have our ideas exercised throughout society.  It doesn't work, folks.  Oil and water don't mix, no matter how much you want them to.

Maybe I'm way off. Please give me your thoughts, because this has been rolling around in my mind for quite a while now.  I'd really like to see some counterpoints or further developments.