Hopelessly Human

I hear it all the time. 

"You're only human," or "That was only human of him."  "It sucks, but what else was she supposed to do?"

I think it, too.

We're hopelessly human, locked in a pattern of thinking and way of living, the same that we've been in for thousands of years.

We make a valiant effort to fix it, though.  We recognize that the label of "human" is something beautiful and special, but seriously flawed.  We appreciate our individuality and talent but despise our selfishness and closed mindedness.  In America, we've found a new remedy, a band-aid for our human existence.  In the thousands of years humans have been around, no one's thought of this before.  If we could only grasp it, we could be great.  Humanity and the world would flourish and there would be no more fighting.

I'm not sure what to call our remedy, but I can think of a few words to describe it:  open-mindedness, tolerance, acceptance, losing yourself in the vastness and beauty of the universe.  People are complicated.  I really can't be so arrogant to claim that I actually know what they're thinking, but this is what I see.

They also say, "Why can't everyone just agree?"

That would be nice. But we can't.  Because we're hopelessly human.

Humans will fight.  They will kill.  They have a cause.  (What do you think fuels the killing?) They will inevitably place themselves above others.  They'll break down.  They'll seek meaning.  They'll seek love.  They'll seek purpose.  They'll seek relief from the messed up world they find themselves in, only to find that it's all really just a delicate balance between pleasure and pain (the ancient philosophers had the right idea, it seems).

They'll think their ideas are their own and that since they think them, they exist. They'll think that their world is all about finding their place and living a happy, meaningful life.  Then they'll fear that their life will end up meaning nothing at all.

But really, what can we do about it?  We are, after all, only human.  We make and break resolutions.  We see self-improvement and subsequently fail.  Some people, not so many people, find the amazing willpower that is within man and wield it to achieve their goals.

But for what?  I mean, they die and they're dead.  A few make an indelible mark on the history of humanity.  Many have improved the lives of their posterity through their sacrifice.  But really, though, for what?  Other humans?  Humans can't be worth that much.  After all, they're only human.

So I've been thinking, I don't really like being human.  When I'm honest with myself, I hate the fight, the hopelessness, the pain.  I hate seeing other humans in futile turmoil as well.  I think I would like to be an immortal vampire, or an angel, or maybe a star or a bird or a tree.  I even entertain the idea of being a cat sometimes . . . anything but human.

I think maybe half of the teenage girls in America are with me on the vampire thing.

Okay, I'm kidding, I don't really want to be a vampire. Well, mostly kidding.  Stephenie Meyer's version doesn't seem so bad.

Anyway . . .

That was my brain on the surface.  Then I dig deeper and meditate my existence and what it means in light of my Creator . . .

. . . and wow, then everything changes.

I was riding my bike the other day and thinking/praying/talking to God (this happens a lot), "Gosh, Lord, humans are lame, I'm so thankful that You're changing me and I'm becoming less human . . . "

Then I stopped.  (The thought, not my bike, silly.)

I realized that my definition of human was gravely unsound.  I didn't understand humans as they are meant to be.  I confused the words "physical" and "flesh" with "human."  Just because I live in the physical in my flesh (and so does everyone else around me), doesn't mean that's all that we are.

No, I was wrong.  Humans are spiritual beings just as much as they are physical.  Dwelling with God and allowing Him to change me from the inside out and open my spiritual eyes does NOT make me less human.  It makes me more human.  He's transforming me into who He created me to be.  A human.

I mentioned meditating on my existence in light of my Creator a second ago and how it changes everything.  It totally does.  It turns the idea of human existence and everything we think about it on its head.

The whole thing is actually pretty epic.

I mean for one, I'm immortal.  I think that's significantly epic.  Humans were made to be immortal, which kind of explains why we wish we had it so much.  Then we lost our immortality.  How?  Why, by being hopelessly human, of course!  We're only human after all, what else could we have done?

If immortality wasn't enough, I fight battles every day.  Sometimes saving lives without knowing it.  I put on armor every morning and secretly consult with the One who knows everything.

Why do I fight battles?  Who do I fight them for?  I fight them for my King.  The one who died for me.  The one who gave my mind freedom and my heart peace.  Freedom and peace.  That's all we humans live for, isn't it?  I fight them for his Kingdom, to protect his people, so they can have this freedom and peace and immortality, too.

He is my King, and I love him oh so much.  I would die for him.  Well, I feel that and I say that, but . . . I am, after all, only human.

All of this to say, I've been trying to be human in the sense of a physical human.  A human that does stuff, that accomplishes things, that makes conversation, eats food, and has a jolly time, overall.

I was recognizing that things aren't always working out, and I often can't really handle it.  I can't be successful on my own.  I am, after all, only human.

It is my Creator who empowers me.  He gives me life, breath, purpose, profound understanding, comfort, and most importantly, Himself.

When I follow him and spend time with him and give him glory for all of the amazing things He's done and is doing, things go well.  Soon enough, I forget that it's in him that I live and move and breath, and I start taking credit. I start going my own way and doing my own thing. That doesn't work out so well.

I am, after all, only human.  Hopelessly incompetent of any meaning or purpose on my own.  But I wasn't made to be meaningless.  None of us were.  Right now we look so hopelessly human, but that's only because we haven't been filled with the only Hope that we humans have: the redeeming life and grace and Salvation that our Creator has for us. 

Wow, there's an epic story unfolding right before my eyes. . .

Medicine and God

Here I stand between my profession and my faith

In between medicine and God

In between what I see and what I know

In between what is true now and what will be true

In between opposing facts, that somehow support each other

I fight a spiritual battle while the physical apparent reality is thrust before my eyes every day.

I realize how hopelessly human I am.

I realize how hopelessly human everyone is.

I realize how awesomely powerful and loving God must be.

I realize how easy it is to say, "God, I trust You," and how tragically difficult it is to say, "God, I still trust You," and even more so, yet again, to say, "God, I trust you, yet."

Going Deeper

You draw me.  You tug at my heart.  I listen for you, giggling as I dance beneath your shadow.  You cover me. You protect me.  You glorify me.

But I glorify You!  I hold you at highest esteem above all else in my heart!  Can we be together?! Forever!  That's all I want from you, and that's what you have promised me.

I live under your grace.  My heart is evil.  My mind is unrenewed.  You purify my heart and renew my mind.  You bring me hope. You give me a future.  You are a shelter into which I can run when the rockets come, when the attacks are imminent, when I know I'm falling.

You never leave.  You are faithful, beautiful.  I can't understand Your love.  Show me, Lord.  Show me how to live.  Show me how to love.  Teach me your love.

Fill me with You.  Make my heart like Yours.  Give me your eyes.  Give me your desires.  Hold my head to your chest so I can hear your heartbeat, so I can feel your voice reverbrating through me when you tell me how much you love me.

I love you, too.  But I know it would never be enough.

But you, your sacrifice, your love, was enough.

For the Sake of Matrimony

I'm not going to get married unless it makes me a better person.

As selfish as it sounds . . .

I can see so many ways a husband would be beneficial, but also ways that my life would change and be limited.

When I really think about it, it seems like the only reasons I have for wanting to get married are selfish ones, anyway.

Except one . . .the one where I become a better person, more capable of serving those around me and carrying out Your will on Earth.

Therefore, unless I meet someone who a) is clearly Yours, b) is madly in love with people and deeply desires to serve them, c) will spur me onto becoming a more obedient child of You, and d) is obviously the one I was made to be with, I will never marry.

It does sound selfish, but there are so many ladies out there who are just pining for a husband.  The hopelessly single men can go find them.  I think keeping me for myself for the sake of Your work is a perfectly justifiable reason to not get married.

I am not complete, but I'm on my way (with Your help) and I don't think I'll find that completion in a husband.  I know I'm a special, unique individual who is Your child.  I am loved and accepted by You.  I don't care what society thinks, I'm not going to get married just for the sake of getting married.

A little voice inside me cries out in terror, shrieking at the thought of a lifetime of singleness.

But I quiet that voice, and I tell it that nothing is more important to me than You.

I Cor. 7:8,32,38,40

Besides, I will marry You someday (Rev. 19:7).

Opening Up My Heart

I’m learning lately, or rather You're teaching me about opening up my heart to people.

If I just spend time with people, care about their concerns, talk with them, listen to them. . .even just suffer with them (as in the case of med school and studying - a very unique, minimally painful, form of suffering) relationships can be built.

I'm becoming closer and more involved in people's lives than ever before in my life, even during my time at the Honor Academy.  The HA pushed us to "open up" and "be vulnerable" with others.  I wasn't all for that.  I didn't trust people (and still don't), and I didn't think it necessary to verbalize my every thought or short-coming.

The reality of my life is, I have a heart for people.  I love people.  I want to understand them, see things from their perspective, alleviate any suffering they endure, encourage them, and ultimately show them the true Love that continually changes my life.

Sometimes, however, actually more often than not, I let my own insecurities keep my heart closed, afraid of what people might see, what they might think.  Not caring what people think is a pretty constant thread throughout my life, but I usually accomplish that by keeping my distance.

But it's so beautiful when I don't!  I love people.  I love, love, love them!

You're changing my heart.  Putting Your love in it.  Giving me a thirst for You and giving me a desire to show people your love.

But I think there's another aspect of making my heart like yours.

You desire fellowship.  You want close relationships.  You want to know people.

I'm realizing that more and more these days, so do I.  I think it's because you're changing my heart.

Change it, Lord.  Keep changing it.  I don't want any part of my selfish self left.  I want to love people like You love them, so much that You died.  I want to heal people like You healed them, because You had compassion on them.  I want to save people like You save them, selflessly, and completely driven by love.

Then I look at it from other perspectives, and I don't feel like I have the strength to do what I realize Your calling me to do during this time in my life.  I don't have the capacity, the knowledge.  Yet You've called me to it.  So what can I do but obey?

And to You, obedience is greater than sacrifice.

Hold My Heart

From my private journal, Wednesday, November 04, 2009:

I went home to vote last night.  After I got back home, I looked around, heard the finches twitter, and thought out loud, "This is so peaceful, so perfect."  My life is so perfect, wonderful, full of blessings.  I should have known that the words would barely escape my lips before they came back to haunt me.

I remember being in the shower crying out to You one day a few months ago.  I cried out for more of You; I wanted to know You, but my sin was separating me from You.  I felt so spiritually lazy, and I wanted to be intimate with You.  I knew that putting me through the fire would draw me to You, so I prayed for that.  I prayed that you would send trials so that I could know You more, but I specifically said not at the price of a life.

Well, Mom and Dad sat us down last night just after I was marveling at the blessings You've given me (and those blessings still stand).  Pastor and Julie walked in, and I thought it kind of weird. However, normally I pick up on things, but not this time.  This time I was still prancing around in my illusion until the words came and brought the heavy knowledge that would crush me.  Mom told us that she has breast cancer, and that it's advanced too far for the doctors to do anything to help her.  She said that treatment at this point would be solely to give her more time (as in months). 

In that moment, I felt crushed, but I also felt You lift me up.  It's hard to describe, but in the midst of my shock, I felt You as the firm foundation under me, always there with me, keeping me. . .and my mom.  I drove home after that and cried the entire way, long heartfelt sobs.  I sang to you sometimes between sobs.  I prayed out loud and cried out.  Such a shock, such a horrible, terrible shock.

I know You have a perfect plan, and there's nothing to fear.  I'm still afraid, Lord!  I've never felt such strong emotion in my life.  This must have been the worst day of my life today.  I woke up early in the morning unable to sleep, full of grief.  Then I cried every moment I was alone, and sometimes when I wasn't.  I cried straight through the shower, my morning commute, my hours of work time.  It's hard to think about this, Lord.  It's hard to think that she may never meet my husband or make my wedding dress or see me become a doctor.  It's hard to consider that she may never see her grandchildren, that she may die before she sees 50. . .

You have a perfect plan though, and beautiful things are already coming from this.  John 12:24  "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

She doesn't have to die for all this freedom to come to people's lives.  You can use this situation alone.  I put her in Your hands, Lord.  I put my best friend in Your hands.  I put my guide in Your hands.  I put my strength in Your hands.

Jesus, I know You're with me.  Please show me, though.  Send Your peace to cover me.  Not denial, but true peace.

Send Your word forth claiming her future healing and extension of days on this earth.  We will cling to it, Lord.  We won't let go of Your promise.

But You haven't given us such a promise yet.  So for now, we only cling to the promise that You are with us, and we're so thankful that it's true.

From Saturday, December 10, 2011:

He later did give us a promise.  He promised that He would raise her up.  She's 50 now.  She joyfully babysits her grandson and is looking forward to the next one on the way (a girl).  They gave her six months to live, and she is here with us, healthy and blessing everyone she meets. The doctors are confounded and unable to make sense of it. The MRI of the breast shows no cancer now, the MRI of her brain shows "a significant reduction," meaning that the innumerable spots are gone and the two measurable spots are now very, very tiny. The bone scan shows the impossible as well - no signs of any metastases other than proof that there had been several broken bones. The doctors are unwilling to declare a miracle, but we know our God is faithful.

I don't understand why God chose us to bless, but He did. Prayer works, and our God is real and active in our lives! He loves us so much, and He'll always be there for us, no matter what we end up having to go through.

It Will All Pass

"Of this life of comfort, of materialism, of lies. . .it'll be destroyed.  These things in which we so confidently put our faith and trust, will go away.  We think money is the key to happiness and all we want is more, more, more.  When we get these things it's happiness for a moment, but then it's gone, and we're on to a brand new pursuit.

Our society has come to a point where sex is completely normal and expected between any people dating and even casually accepted among friends and persons of the same sex.  These powerful lies and spirits of immorality have entangled us.  We are deceived.  Primary schoolers are having sex. Children are exposed to vile things from a young age. Mommies and daddies don't love each other. Some unwanted children are being abandoned while others are killed before they're even born.

The pull is so great.  It rips at my heart and makes me feel cold inside.

I need your hope.  I need your future.  I need your understanding.  I need your love.  I need you.

I'm thankful that I don't belong here, that I don't have to call this place my home.  When we look up, all we see are our towers of complacency that we have so skillfully built.  We see birds that we think evolved into existence.  We see clouds that will one day bring a storm.

How soon, Lord?  How soon?  I’m certainly not ready.

I'm not ready because I, too, am deceived.  I feel as if I'm living in a spiritual stupor, constantly drugged with the pipelines clogged.  It's like a weight on my shoulders, a suffocating pillow in my face. . .and I grab that pillow and lay down and go to sleep.

I sleep and I forget.  I forget all the things all you've called me to.  I'm watching these people walk by. . .these lost people.  They echo only the words of their unfit heroes and wear only the clothes presented to them by the material industry.  They curse and make perverse jokes and use Your name in vain, and they don't even know what they're doing.

They're completely clueless.  No one's ever told them.  No one's ever showed them how much you love them.  I feel I must, but I don't.  I don't know how.  I just make such excuses and never do the things to which you've called me.  I'm walking through a spiritual world of peanut butter with that damn pillow in my face.

We eat things that kill us.  We do things that kill us.  Sometimes we purposely kill ourselves with a gun or a rope or a bridge or some other creative devil.  That breaks Your heart.  I know it does.  It breaks mine too.  I just need You.  I guess I'm asking too much.  I'm asking you to shove me out into the playing field, because I feel unprepared to go.  I'm afraid and I'm shy.  I'm a wimp, and I disobey.

If only I were sure of what You wanted me to do, I would do it fervently.  If I heard Your voice, I would follow.  If only I could hear You speak, I would do whatever you ask.

I say that, but is it true?  I feel kind of like Kierkegaard.  I gave up my love and underwent heartache, for what?  I don't know.  I don't know what for.  I thought you wanted me to, but now I'm a writhing lonely mess that's been waiting to hear from You for a long time.  I know I make up stuff that I think You've said in my head, and it's frustrating. . .because I never know.  I used to have a discerning spirit.  What happened to that?  I listen for your voice.  I listen sometimes and focus and everything.

But I hear silence.  And I can't help but think that you're speaking and I'm not listening, with the whispers of your voice drowned out by the screaming lies of the world and the deceit of my own flesh and mind.

I need a new mind.  I need lots of things.  I'm such an unworthy person to be called Your child.  I read about these men (and women) in the Bible who would implore You and say "I have done right in the eyes of the Lord."  I've never been able to say that, and I'm always laden with guilt.  Whenever I seek to clear that guilt by going to someone and confessing my wrong, I feel even worse. . .I even feel as if I never should have told them.  I don't feel relief but regret that I confessed.  Why is that?  Am I more willing to sin against you and continue sinning and be cut off from you than to undergo the earthly consequences for my wrongdoing?  I need a contrite heart.  I need to let my brain shut up so I can hear You.  You've blessed me with so much, and what have I done?  I've sat here on my bum mumbling little clues or hints to folks hoping they'll pick up on it and suddenly decide that they need You.

It's tough when people think they don't need You.  It really is."

From June 18, 2009, but it pretty much describes how I feel right now.