Medicine and God

Here I stand between my profession and my faith

In between medicine and God

In between what I see and what I know

In between what is true now and what will be true

In between opposing facts, that somehow support each other

I fight a spiritual battle while the physical apparent reality is thrust before my eyes every day.

I realize how hopelessly human I am.

I realize how hopelessly human everyone is.

I realize how awesomely powerful and loving God must be.

I realize how easy it is to say, "God, I trust You," and how tragically difficult it is to say, "God, I still trust You," and even more so, yet again, to say, "God, I trust you, yet."

Going Deeper

You draw me.  You tug at my heart.  I listen for you, giggling as I dance beneath your shadow.  You cover me. You protect me.  You glorify me.

But I glorify You!  I hold you at highest esteem above all else in my heart!  Can we be together?! Forever!  That's all I want from you, and that's what you have promised me.

I live under your grace.  My heart is evil.  My mind is unrenewed.  You purify my heart and renew my mind.  You bring me hope. You give me a future.  You are a shelter into which I can run when the rockets come, when the attacks are imminent, when I know I'm falling.

You never leave.  You are faithful, beautiful.  I can't understand Your love.  Show me, Lord.  Show me how to live.  Show me how to love.  Teach me your love.

Fill me with You.  Make my heart like Yours.  Give me your eyes.  Give me your desires.  Hold my head to your chest so I can hear your heartbeat, so I can feel your voice reverbrating through me when you tell me how much you love me.

I love you, too.  But I know it would never be enough.

But you, your sacrifice, your love, was enough.

For the Sake of Matrimony

I'm not going to get married unless it makes me a better person.

As selfish as it sounds . . .

I can see so many ways a husband would be beneficial, but also ways that my life would change and be limited.

When I really think about it, it seems like the only reasons I have for wanting to get married are selfish ones, anyway.

Except one . . .the one where I become a better person, more capable of serving those around me and carrying out Your will on Earth.

Therefore, unless I meet someone who a) is clearly Yours, b) is madly in love with people and deeply desires to serve them, c) will spur me onto becoming a more obedient child of You, and d) is obviously the one I was made to be with, I will never marry.

It does sound selfish, but there are so many ladies out there who are just pining for a husband.  The hopelessly single men can go find them.  I think keeping me for myself for the sake of Your work is a perfectly justifiable reason to not get married.

I am not complete, but I'm on my way (with Your help) and I don't think I'll find that completion in a husband.  I know I'm a special, unique individual who is Your child.  I am loved and accepted by You.  I don't care what society thinks, I'm not going to get married just for the sake of getting married.

A little voice inside me cries out in terror, shrieking at the thought of a lifetime of singleness.

But I quiet that voice, and I tell it that nothing is more important to me than You.

I Cor. 7:8,32,38,40

Besides, I will marry You someday (Rev. 19:7).

Opening Up My Heart

I’m learning lately, or rather You're teaching me about opening up my heart to people.

If I just spend time with people, care about their concerns, talk with them, listen to them. . .even just suffer with them (as in the case of med school and studying - a very unique, minimally painful, form of suffering) relationships can be built.

I'm becoming closer and more involved in people's lives than ever before in my life, even during my time at the Honor Academy.  The HA pushed us to "open up" and "be vulnerable" with others.  I wasn't all for that.  I didn't trust people (and still don't), and I didn't think it necessary to verbalize my every thought or short-coming.

The reality of my life is, I have a heart for people.  I love people.  I want to understand them, see things from their perspective, alleviate any suffering they endure, encourage them, and ultimately show them the true Love that continually changes my life.

Sometimes, however, actually more often than not, I let my own insecurities keep my heart closed, afraid of what people might see, what they might think.  Not caring what people think is a pretty constant thread throughout my life, but I usually accomplish that by keeping my distance.

But it's so beautiful when I don't!  I love people.  I love, love, love them!

You're changing my heart.  Putting Your love in it.  Giving me a thirst for You and giving me a desire to show people your love.

But I think there's another aspect of making my heart like yours.

You desire fellowship.  You want close relationships.  You want to know people.

I'm realizing that more and more these days, so do I.  I think it's because you're changing my heart.

Change it, Lord.  Keep changing it.  I don't want any part of my selfish self left.  I want to love people like You love them, so much that You died.  I want to heal people like You healed them, because You had compassion on them.  I want to save people like You save them, selflessly, and completely driven by love.

Then I look at it from other perspectives, and I don't feel like I have the strength to do what I realize Your calling me to do during this time in my life.  I don't have the capacity, the knowledge.  Yet You've called me to it.  So what can I do but obey?

And to You, obedience is greater than sacrifice.